


One Last Goodbye

by hobbleit



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Death, Gen, Grief, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-22 01:45:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1571402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobbleit/pseuds/hobbleit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enjolras says farewell to his dying mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Last Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> More angst from me, I just can't stop, can I? The song used (and the title of the fic) is called One Last Goodbye by Anathema. Now formatted.

He hated the hospice. No matter how friendly and comfortable they tried to make it look, no matter how bright and light the colours were and no matter how many flowers filled the halls it did not detract from the hospice's function. People came here to die. There would be no getting better for the people here, they were here because the treatments hadn't worked and all that was left was to make them as comfortable as possible whilst they waited for the end. So, no matter how cheerful they tried to make the place look, all Enjolras could see was death and it killed him inside.

His mother was dying and there was no getting better for her. The cancer was winning and soon it would beat her. When she had been diagnosed the doctors had talked about it as a battle to win, a fight that could conquer her own body turning against her but it had not happened. She had been in remission for two years before it came back worse than before. It had spread from her breast to her lungs and her brain until there was not a part of her that was not ravaged by the disease. Now she only had a few days at he most.

He was angry that his father would not be here. He had been on a business trip and there was very little chance of being able to return in time to she his wife slowly fade away. Enjolras couldn't help but feel mad that his father had no realised the full extent of his mother's illness and had chosen to stay at home with her. He didn't want to do this on his own, he couldn't do this on his own. His heart hurt more than he could even think about and the thought of watching his beloved mother die made tears well up in his eyes.

The walk to her room seemed to take an eternity and Enjolras had to stop a few times so he didn't completely break down. He wanted to be strong for her, he didn't want her to see him cry. Combeferre was next to him the entire time holding him up when it looked as if he was going to collapse. Enjolras was eternally grateful to his friend for being with him, he really couldn't have done any of this without him.

"Are you going to be okay?" Combeferre asked as they finally reached the room. "Do you want me to come in with you?"

"No, I'll be fine," Enjolras replied, his voice quiet and hoarse. "I need to say goodbye on my own," his breathing hitched and it looked as though he may start crying so Combeferre took his friend in his arms and held him tight as he sobbed. "Oh, Ferre, what am I going to do without her?"

"I don't know," Combeferre replied, unable to think of anything to say that would comfort his distraught friend. He wanted to say something, anything, to make it all right for Enjolras but he couldn't. It broke his heart to see his normally stoic friend so broken.

"I should go in," Enjolras broke away from Combeferre's embrace and rested his hand on the doorknob. "Wait for me," he said.

"I'll be right here," he replied as he kissed Enjolras' brow. "Just let me know when you're ready."

Enjolras smiled sadly at his friend and pushed the door open. His mother was asleep, her frail body attached to more wires than Enjolras had ever seen. He slowly walked over to the bed and perched on the edge, leaning in so he could gently brush the hair from her face. She stirred.

"Hi mama," he said, reverting back to his childhood name for her. "How are you today?"

She took a sharp breath, a wave of pain crossing her face for a moment. "As well as can be expected," she gasped and Enjolras felt his heart break just a little bit more. He took her hand in his and squeezed gently.

"Dad sends his love, " he managed to say. "He's sorry he can't be here for you."

"He works too hard," she sighed. "He never knew how to just sit back and enjoy life. Don't ever be like that, love."

"I won't," Enjolras promised suddenly unable to keep the tears from welling up once more in his eyes. "I promise."

"Shh, sweetheart, don't cry," she comforted. "It's all right."

"No it isn't," he choked out. "You're dying and dad's not here. You're dying and it's not fair."

"We all die," she told him, running her hand across his cheek. "It's just my time."

"I don't want it to be," Enjolras was well aware that he was sounding more and more like a petulant child who could not have his own way but he didn't care, he didn't want his mother to die. "I don't want you to die."

"I know you don't but we don't get a say when we die. I have lived and I have loved every minute of it. I don't regret anything and I am dying happy. I love you so much and I am so proud of you, my beautiful boy."

"I love you too mama," Enjolras cried. "I love you so much."

"I feel tired," his mother said quietly, her eyelids drooping heavily. "I think I am going to rest for a while."

"I'll be right here," Enjolras said and collapsed into the chair next to the bed.

He sat for hours watching his mother sleeping and did not dare move just in case she needed him. He held her hand and counted each breath she took noticing just how shallow and pained every breath was. He wiped a tear away from his cheek and ran his fingers through his hair. After a while he felt himself grow weary and made no attempt to stop himself from falling asleep.

-x-

The last time she woke she saw her son sleeping with his head rested on the mattress. He looked so young and innocent in sleep she could hardly believe it was the same rebellious and outspoken boy who had argued vehemently with his father all his life. He looked like an angel, his blonde curls framing his face, suddenly line free. When he was awake, he seemed to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders but in sleep he looked like a child.

My beautiful baby boy, she thought as she reached out and stroked his hair. He didn't stir. She was so tired and it hurt just to breathe. The doctors and nurses had given her morphine to dull the pain but it was not enough any more. She knew it was the end and she welcomed it. She was tired of fighting and losing this battle. It was time to say goodbye.

"Goodbye," she croaked as she felt her eyes close for what she knew would be the last time. She saw Enjolras stir and blink hazily as he tried to remember where he was.

"Mama," she heard him say. "Mama?" His voice grew more panicked as he realised what was happening. "Please, no, not yet," he cried but his voice was growing fainter. "I love you mama," was the last going she heard before the darkness claimed her.

-x-

_**How I needed you** _   
_**How I grieve now you're gone** _   
_**In my dreams I see you** _   
_**I awake so alone** _

_**I know you didn't want to leave** _   
_**Your heart yearned to stay** _   
_**But the strength I always loved in you** _   
_**Finally gave way** _

Combeferre heard Enjolras' cries and he knew immediately that it was over. He gave it a moment before he opened the door so Enjolras could spend a few more moments with his mother before he went in.

Enjolras was sitting on the bed, his mother's hands in his own as he wept. Combeferre walked across the room and rested his hand on his friend's shoulder,

"She just went to sleep," Enjolras told his, his voice so tiny and childlike that Combeferre felt his insides tear up. "I don't know what to do."

"I'll go and find a doctor," Combeferre told him. "I'll be right back.

_**Somehow I knew you would leave me this way** _   
_**Somehow I knew you could never.. never stay** _   
_**And in the early morning light** _   
_**After a silent peaceful night** _   
_**You took my heart away** _   
_**And I grieve** _

Enjolras was silent on the drive home. He seemed to have locked himself away from the world trying not to feel anything. He was numb. He couldn't think because if he thought then he would feel and if he felt than he would cry and he didn't know if he would ever be able to stop. Combeferre had tried to talk to him but when he realised quickly that Enjolras wasn't going to respond he fell silent and took to occasionally glancing over at his friend to make sure he was still with him. Enjolras never noticed.

Combeferre helped Enjolras into his house, never leaving his side for a moment until he gently lowered him onto the sofa.

"I should call my dad," Enjolras spoke for the first time since leaving the hospice. "I should tell him what happened. Where's my phone?"

"In your pocket," Combeferre told him and he watched as Enjolras pulled it out of his pocket and stared at it as if he had forgotten what to do with it. After a few moments he started dialling and he put the phone to his ear.

"Dad," Combeferre heard him say and he walked away into he kitchen, not wanting to intrude on a private family moment. Enjolras needed this time alone.

An eternity seemed to have passed before Combeferre heard the call end. He made his way back into the living room with tea and placed it on he table. "I made tea," he said, feeling utterly useless in his inability to help Enjolras with his grief. He held out a cup and Enjolras took it.

"Dad's almost home," he said. "He was at the airport when I called. He only missed her by a few hours," and at that Enjolras crumpled, finally allowing the tears to fall. Combeferre took the cup away and wrapped Enjolras in his arms, holding him tightly as the other man wept.

The tears flowed freely from his face but Enjolras didn't wipe them away. He felt as though he was dying, his chest was tight and his heart ached more than it had ever done in his life. He was usually extremely adept at masking his feelings but now he didn't want to. He just wanted to cry and cry because he would never see his mother again. He couldn't speak, he could even form coherent words in his head so he just cried. He cried until he had no more tears to shed.

He felt Combeferre lift him eventually, once his sobs had subsided into soft whimpers and a few seconds later he found himself on his bed being wrapped up in blankets.

"Do you need anything?" His friend asked.

"Please don't go," Enjolras begged and a moment later he felt Combeferre lie down next to him. Enjolras buried his head in his friend's shoulder. "I told her I loved her," he whispered. "That's the last thing she heard me say."

Combeferre didn't know how to respond to that. There was nothing he could say that would make this better for Enjolras so he just lay there, holding friend gently in his arms until he fell asleep, exhausted from the crying. Tomorrow would be hard, Combeferre knew. So would the next day and the next but he would be there as long as Enjolras needed him to be.

-x-

Enjolras didn't want to wake up. Being awake hurt and he wanted nothing more than to lose himself in the comforting blackness that sleep provided. In sleep she did not have to be dead, she could be alive and sitting next to him, talking about her day or her friends or a new book she had just read. She was alive in his dreams and he never had to say goodbye. If he woke then he would know that it was just a dream and she would be gone as soon as he opened his eyes.

He always did open them though and as soon as he did the realisation hit him that he would never see her again. Then the tears began to flow again. He was grateful for Combeferre, his friend had been a constant rock to him for he last few days and he didn't know what he would have done without him. His father was taking care of all the funeral arrangements so all he had to do with his days was sit and grieve. He hated it. He hated the helpless feeling inside him, he hated feeling useless.

-x-

"Do you know how much I loved you?" Enjolras asked as he stared at the grave. The funeral had ended a few hours ago but he found himself stood in front of the grave unable to move. "I hope you did. I know I never told you that enough and I wish I had said it more. I'm glad I got to tell you it before you died, I don't want to regret not having said it to you one last time."

"She knew how much she loved you," a weary voice came from behind him. It was his father. "You never need to doubt that. She loved you so much as well."

"Even when I was a pain?"

"Even when you were a pain," his father laughed humourlessly. "She was proud of you. I'm proud of you."

"You've never said that before."

"Your mother dying has made me realise some painful truths that I have been ignoring for years. I don't want to die without you knowing that I love you."

"Thank you for that," Enjolras replied, feeling fresh tears form. "I love you too."

"Shall we go? I don think your mother would want us to be standing here all day when we could be at home."

"Yes we should. She was always bothering me about standing in the cold, said I would catch my death if I didn't wrap up."

Enjolras' father wrapped his arm around his son's shoulder and led him away.

"Goodbye mama," he whispered one last time as he walked away.

_**In my dreams I can see you** _   
_**I can tell you how I feel** _   
_**In my dreams I can hold you** _   
_**And it feels so real** _

_**I still feel the pain** _   
_**I still feel your love** _   
_**I still feel the pain** _   
_**I still feel your love** _

_**And somehow I knew you could never, never stay** _   
_**And somehow I knew you would leave me** _   
_**And in the early morning light** _   
_**After a Silent peaceful night** _   
_**You took my heart away** _   
_**I wished, I wished you could have stayed** _


End file.
